It almost felt like I was under attack. I’ve spent much of the last month alone. Usually I am happy to be alone, but this time it was accompanied by a sense of loneliness, and in this loneliness certain perennial insecurities manifested themselves and would not leave me at peace. Thankfully I was not truly alone because I had the Lord, specifically in the Liturgy of the Hours.
I was praying the Office of Readings and it told the story of David and Goliath. We all know the story, small David faces off against gigantine Goliath and beats him with what is essentially a slingshot.
However, what happens just before this scene is what stood out to me. David tries to wear the armor belonging to King Saul. However, it doesn’t fit him; it’s too big and bulky and he doesn’t have the mobility he needs in order to fight Goliath. He admits to Saul that he can’t fight with the armor, he takes it off, finds five stones and with them beats Goliath.
When reading this story I was graced with an insight. My insecurities came in part by me wearing the wrong armor. The armor I chose were memories of past failures and I constantly reminded myself, “Brian, don’t do this because remember what happened that one time” and “Brian, don’t do that because it will only lead to this outcome, like last time” etc.
In short, I was paralyzed. It was at that moment that I realized that in order to shed this bulky armor, I needed to let go of my past shortcomings. There are a lot of mistakes I’ve made in my life and, for the most part, they were honest mistakes that came about simply because I lacked maturity or experience.
Finally I said “Brian, let them go” and I felt a weight off my shoulders. It was also then that I realized how much I judge myself and can project those judgments on others when I shouldn’t.
After David shed the armor, God provided him with five stones. Though right now I haven’t identified the stones God has provided me, I have no doubt that they are present, and will reveal themselves when the time is right.
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This is part of the series called “The Human Being Fully Alive” found here.
